we can't suspend
by Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Show
Summary: It should hurt, Nathan thinks. It's not real unless it hurts.


**I tried to write a post ep for 4.10, but I got half of it done and then floundered. This happened instead.  
Because the show isn't angsty enough, you know?  
Includes character death, but is totally and completely AU/non-canon/etc etc.**

* * *

It's the oddest sensation. He hears the gun, sees the blood start to spill, watches himself fall to his knees, but doesn't feel a damn thing.

It should hurt, Nathan thinks. It's not real unless it hurts.

He hears footsteps, more gunfire being exchanged.

Suddenly Audrey's face is in front of him, eyes wide with fear. Her hands find the wound on his chest and press down. He registers the pressure but can't feel anything through his clothes. He reaches up a hand, wanting to tuck her hair behind her ear. He smiles at her, although the effect is probably lost among the bloodstained clothes.

_"Hey beautiful."_

_She moans sleepily as she turns into him, her hair falling in curls over her face. He brushes it back, smiles down at her as she nudges closer to him, wraps her arms around him. Her hands are cold pressing into his back, but he couldn't care less._

"Nathan!" She pats his cheek, forces his eyes to focus on her. His hand is a few inches off the ground, too far from it's intended destination. She's shouting words at him but he can't hear, can't understand anything.

_"Too tired." She mumbles into his chest. "Can't go to work." He chuckles, kisses the top of her head._

_"Okay. We'll stay here all day."_

_She kisses his chest lightly, traces a pattern on his back with her fingers. "In bed or in the apartment?"_

"Nathan, please." Her jacket's gone, he glances down and sees she's holding it against his chest, trying to stop the bleeding.

He opens his mouth, tries to say that it doesn't seem to be working, but nothing comes out.

The wound doesn't hurt, but her tears feel like fire on his neck, his cheeks. He wants to wipe them away, cradle her head, tell her it's going to be okay. She turns behind her now, shouts to the shapes lingering on the edges. He squints but can't see anything except fuzzy, black objects that scatter as she yells.

_"You stay in bed. I'll cook you breakfast."_

_She tilts her head back to look at him, shaking her head slowly. "If I'm not leaving this bed neither are you."_

_He can't stop the grin that spreads across his face as he leans down to capture her lips._

"Look at me!" Her tone is harsh, demanding. He wants so badly to obey, but he doesn't seem to be in control of these things anymore.

"Nathan!"

_She giggles as he draws his nose across her stomach. Her hand tightens in his hair as his mouth slides lower, kissing her warm skin. He spares a glance upward, finds her grinning down at him, her smile open and free. Her hand rakes through his hair, nails scraping his scalp in a calming manner. _

_"I think I could do this forever."_

_She swats his shoulder, and he doesn't miss the subtle flush in her cheeks. _

Her face swims in and out of his vision, obscured slightly by the growing black dots. He blinks rapidly, and finally his eyes find hers.

She's given up trying to staunch the wound now, instead she shifts and tugs his gently into her lap, wrapping her arms tight around his torso like a small child.

He doesn't know what to tell her, can't make sense of what's happening. Her tears are still falling, sliding down her cheeks to drip onto his head as she rocks them back and forth.

_"I don't mean _that._" He props his head up. "I could be with you, like this. Forever."_

_She smiles slowly, her gaze flitting away from his in a feeble attempt at an eye-roll; an acknowledgement of how cheesy that was, but an appreciation all the same._

Audrey cups his cheek, looks down at him with a terrible sadness in her eyes. And he can't kiss it away, can't hold her to soothe her worries.

"I'm sorry." She whispers.

Why should she be sorry? This isn't her fault. She's made this so much better, can't she see.

_Audrey pulls him back up to her, gives him a thorough kiss. He likes these early morning kisses, they're sloppy and intimate and they make him feel closer to her than he's ever been. _

A siren sounds in the distance, but he knows without a doubt it's not going to get here. She knows it too, in the way she pulls him in closer and gives him one last kiss.

She presses her forehead against his and he closes his eyes. The sounds start to blend together, and he loses her voice to the sound of the siren.

_"Forever."_ _She smiles when they pull apart. "How long do you think that is in Haven?"_

She laces their fingers together, rubs circles on the back of his hand with her thumb. Over and over and over. Lulling him to sleep.

_"Don't care." He kisses her again, trails down her jaw and nips lightly at her neck, enjoying her soft giggle. "I'll take it."_

He feels her lips moving against his forehead but can't hear anything.

_"Me too." She holds his face in her hands, lightly brushes her thumb over his lips. "I'll take forever." Her hands slide to his neck as she leans up to meet him._

The world fades away as he remembers her kiss.


End file.
